One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
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*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.