If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
My background check bounced.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.