I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.