I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
You Might Also Like
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Does your wife know you’re single?
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it