My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[montage of me giving-up]
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said