Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest