i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs