Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse