interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
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JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN