9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
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A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]