Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.