Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
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Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.