When does CPR become necrophilia?
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“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.