Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
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Horrifying if literal: a handbag
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old: