i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
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Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
We have a winner.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Fixed this for Shakespeare
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
*aggressively waits in line*
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
🙅🏻
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
We need more people like this.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Jesus steals the winter solstice