Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
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I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
That’s not how days work.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?