I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
Be the reason someone burns sage.
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.