An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.