A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
You are what you delete.