When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
You are what you delete.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.