It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.