Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.