Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?