Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer: