The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.