[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.