@torrami

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

@torrami

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

@torrami

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

@torrami

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

@torrami

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

@torrami

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

@torrami

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

@torrami

Tell her she’s glowing and watch her do the mental math on when her last period was

@torrami

A dance club by night and coffee house by day, called Bump and Grind.

@torrami

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.