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@torrami : Me: I can't live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn't decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
@torrami: "Let's give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
@torrami: Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
@torrami: *walks into hospital carrying baby*
"What's your return policy on this thing?"
@torrami: A baby came out of my stomach and I was all "weird, I don't remember eating that..."
@torrami: Dragons aren't evil; they're just upset that they can't enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
@torrami: My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
@torrami: Tell her she's glowing and watch her do the mental math on when her last period was
@torrami: A dance club by night and coffee house by day, called Bump and Grind.
@torrami: Ladies: The "silent treatment" is not a punishment. Try the "sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment" instead.