Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
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I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Autocorrect is my menesis
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.