[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
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Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
This pepper has seen some shit
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
May have had one breakfast too many
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.