My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon