“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
