Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003