I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.