The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I want to meet the individual who made this
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.