No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
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9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
This kid will have a bright future.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
🤣😂🤣