“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
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What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.