Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
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Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????