took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly