The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
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“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
good morning
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good