[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
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*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
“our sushi is very fresh”
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve