dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
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[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Not recommended for beginners.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.