Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.