I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.