Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.