I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded