I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable