Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
You Might Also Like
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no