Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”