You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
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Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.