I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
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Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
do what now??
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.